Why You Wouldn't Want Shingles During Thesis Season (and why you would)

Hello social media world! I've not really explained, just alluded stuff, to the general Facebook world what all has been going on this semester, but now that it's all over and we have all survived and some are asking, I have a few minutes to give you the narrative. I take too long to tell stories, and this one will include some sap about how awesome my man is, so consider yourself warned.

This semester, along with finishing my last semester of classes and diving deeper into Mentor work in the dorms, I was to play "Mackenzie", the lead role for our thesis project,"Happily Ever After, Please?" That was the plan for my final sprint towards graduation, but it was man's plan and God had a few adjustments to make.

On March 1, after having seen the doctor for a little spot pop up on my chin, fighting the severe itch, some achey back pain, and fighting the battle of feeling more drained than I had in years/maybe ever, I decided to skip lunch, skip some meetings, etc. in order to rest up for the evenings rehearsal. My character was in all 29 scenes, and I thought the priority was to sleep off the grogginess so I could deliver at least something during that night's run. When Clinton was coming to campus, I thought it was to bring me dinner, but he was coming to tell me to"get in the truck- we're going to the doctor." I'm so glad he did. By the time we finished the drive there, I had no real idea of what was going on. I, uhh, told the receptionist at MD360 that I was there for a follow up appointment.... It was funny then and it's hilarious now, but that's how completely out of it I was. The spot on my chin was getting bigger/worse, and three more bumps had shown up around my mouth and one had moved up on my ear lobe. They sent me home with a few prescriptions and ordered quarantined bed rest. Clinton bought me good food, brought me back to the dorms, I sat on my bed, and I don't remember much after that. I woke up to the doc papers being strewn across my bed, the food half touched, me still in clothes/makeup from the day before. I had apparently zonked out upon arrival.

When I sat up in bed that morning, I immediately started vomiting and did not stop for another 12 hours. The last real, full meal I had was two days before, the fatigue was worse than it had been, and I could not even turn my head slightly without prompting another round. Never in my life had I been so dizzy or out of it. I spent the full day on the floor in front of the A/C, doing the best I could to retain any drink, but I couldn't begin to attempt food or even crawl to the bathroom.

That night, Clinton and his mom came to take me back to MD360 if for no other reason than get an IV going; they kinda saved my dehydrated life by literally carrying me out to the car. I don't remember much from the drive over, I just remember feeling more limp and weak than I have ever felt in my entire life. I think it was at this point that the doc felt pretty confident that I had shingles, but was worried about some things going on with my eyes, and sent me over to Greenville Memorial Hospital. There, I had a spinal tap, couple of CT scans, several tests I don't remember, and was checked in somewhere in the wee hours of the morning. My brother Joshua was in town for a concert at BJ, and met us there. Sweet kid.

I was diagnosed with Shingles, Viral Meningitis,  and was eventually informed that I had something called Fibro Muscular Dysplasia (a weird blood vessel issue in my neck, basically) that I never knew about before. This domino effect triggered some crazy severe vertigo and left me so weak that I couldn't lift my arms to feed myself, walk to the bathroom, watch the TV, scroll through my phone, or do anything really besides sit with my eyes closed and look pretty ugly pathetic.

I was in the hospital for four days, and although I could barely keep my eyes open, what I saw there continues to overwhelm me. Insert sap: During that 12 hour period of back and forth chaos, Clinton Lee Holden took the reins and did a better job than I know how to explain. My body was shutting down, but my brain had the option of getting very quiet and sitting back while this human took care of everything, including communicating to all the most important people about what was going down. I couldn't feed myself, so he fed me. I couldn't read my Bible, so he read it to me. I wasn't coherent enough to talk to the doctors and nurses, so he handled that for me. We haven't even been dating for all too terribly long, but he proved himself that night. As crazy as it was, my heart cannot help but melt every time I think of it. I've never been in such a vulnerable position, or as ugly tbh. Every time I saw my reflection in the mirror, I scared myself. But, somehow, this amazing human still made me feel like I was the prettiest girl in the world. He had a ton of stress already in his life with work, teaching, church responsibilities, play rehearsals, and work on his house, but he was my rock and showed a beautiful picture of self sacrificing love in the middle of it all. I know it wasn't fun or cute, but he still treated me better than I can still verbalize. Falling in love may be cute and everything, but this guy was willing to hold the barf bag and wipe my fevered head. He's so good to me... And, just look at him. I mean, really. Dah...! I respect and trust him so stupid much. #jackpotofahuman

My parents drove up first thing in the morning, and bless them, everyone had to wear masks over their faces when they were in the room. So my family, Clinton and his mama, and my people endured those annoying things, fed me, walked me to the bathroom, dealt with sleeping in those clunky hospital chairs for 4 days while I got to the point of being discharged. I barely knew what was up in the beginning, but I knew that I was in the best of hands.

That Moment its NOT Jello

My teachers were amazing and worked out alternatives for getting credit for school and got Lindasy to jump in with both feet to take my role in the show (bless any understudy that is willing to get thrown into a huge role 3 weeks before the doors open. Bless you Lindsay Bean), and the dorm staff were incredible and took on all of the holes that I left behind in making the dorm function. I have no words to thank all of these people enough for working out all of the details. I can't know what it was like for my thesis team to suddenly lose their lead, take on my other duties for the show, and have to rework the dynamic of the group during the most stressful month of grad school. All I could do was pray, but it was neat to watch the results of their work ethic and team work as well as God's provision. My mom was a whirlwind of a blessing and took care of everything (and then some) once I left the hospital. I kinda took a hiatus from adulting and that was the longest I've ever had one on one with my mom. No one wants an illness that knocks you out cold for a month, but for someone that's always in such high demand, I felt pretty blessed to have her all to myself for a week. I cried when she left. Yep. 25 years old and acting like a pre-freshman terrified to face the world by myself again. I know I'll probably never get that much ongoing one on one with her again, so I am thankful. She's a wonderwoman when it comes to providing care/ problem solving/ doctor visits- and not just for me during all of that. Somehow, she kept things running back home, too.

The Most Hilarious Nurse Award

So, sure, no one wants to deal with something like that, or to continue to have vertigo issues, but the Lord taught me much during that time. God took that time to show me how much I could miss a church body, that being desperately needy is ok, that inconveniencing people happens and you need to let people love, and that Christ will hold me fast. I listened to the words of that hymn over and over in my mind/ on my phone during the first hours of being coherent in the hospital. Its not the pop music or the cute little ditties that get you through times of uncertainty; God uses circumstances like that to teach you more of His truth and to remind you that you are not God, you are not sovereign, you are not calling the shots--- HE is. I would have never, ever planned life to go this way. I would have never asked to kinda have grad school end in March, which was what it kinda felt like. After that, it was just about finishing and living to tell about it... "But God".

Devotions with a Southern Drawl

"But God" knew better. "But God" saw deeper into the recesses of my heart and knew what was for my best."But God" knew that taking me to a point of utter physical fatigue would teach me more about His strength than anything else."But God" saw that this saga would do more to cultivate more trust and admiration in Clinton than anything I ever saw coming. "But God" knew I needed to revert to being almost like a 4 year old and that I needed some solid time with my mom. "But God" knew that having my dad in the hospital room, holding my hand would do more to calm me. "But God" in His mercy, knew that I would do more good for my thesis group by falling off of planet Earth for awhile than going through with our original plans. "But God" knew that I would work with 2 therapists for my vertigo issues, and that it would trigger great conversations that I had been praying for. "But God" knew that when he took away just about literally every distraction in my life for the first half of March, I would have nothing but time for Him to show me His goodness, to show me the value of His word, to saturate a mind renewing process because of *time* to spend with sermons.
I had been struggling to keep God in His rightful place before all of this. The million and two distractions that were going on (and I had allowed to distract) during thesis season, dating, fearing the future, etc., had me in a really shameful position before God. He was the afterthought more times than I want to admit. "But God", in a matter of days/ hours, took away all of those distractions and said, "Look to me, the Author and Finisher" of my faith. God instilled a renewed perspective of Him, His grace, and His will during this time that I cannot thank Him enough for. I know it wasn't me. I know that it took some kooky crazy turn of events to bring me to my knees, but it's a time I wouldn't trade for anything because of what He accomplished. I've never felt so physically awful, "But God" did a wonderful work that I hope I don't soon forget.
I don't know when I'll ever have so much time on my hands again, but God knew that it was one of the best things that has ever happened to my soul in recent years.
So, maybe you do want to get Shingles :)



“When I fear my faith will fail
Christ will hold me fast
When the tempter would prevail
He will hold me fast
I could never keep my hold
Through life’s fearful path
For my love is often cold
He must hold me fast

Chorus:
He will hold me fast
He will hold me fast
For my Savior loves me so
He will hold me fast

Those He saves are His delight
Christ will hold me fast
Precious in His holy sight
He will hold me fast
He’ll not let my soul be lost
His promises shall last
Bought by Him at such a cost
He will hold me fast



For my life He bled and died
Christ will hold me fast
Justice has been satisfied
He will hold me fast
Raised with Him to endless life
He will hold me fast
Till our faith is turned to sight
When he comes at last."